Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
