she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
