i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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