Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
