Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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