My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
