Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I love you. Go after that dick
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
