It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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