I got her a Nickelback box set.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We left an ass print on the piano.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
