Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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