hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just pee around me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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