if i can run in heels then i can drive
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
