I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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