We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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