I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
