I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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