Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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