life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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