So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
