Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
