you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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