Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The air taste purple.
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