apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
