u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
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You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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