the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
