His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
