just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
