apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
