she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
