Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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