Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
