He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
