I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
