Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
