I wish my penis had an off switch
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
