what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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