Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
third nipple confirmed
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
