you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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