She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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