I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
