So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
whose parrot is this?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
my liver is dry heaving
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
