She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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