And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
