Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
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Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize