I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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