I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
