My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
