If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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