I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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