Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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