I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
