You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
