dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize