I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
