My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
