Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
