I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
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You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize