My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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