she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
